Unwatching the Superbowl

I do not watch the Superbowl. I unwatch it. Yes, I'm just like half the annual crowd at the parties who couldn't give a pizza roll's patootie whether the Colts or the Saints win - heck, some don't even know who's playing. That is to say, I'm there for the spots. The spot on the the couch, the spot of nachos, the inevitable spot on my shirt caused by the nachos, and [royal trumpets trumpeting] the advertising spots.

A reported $30 million is what one of those spots goes for this year. Coca-Cola say what? Yeah, they're one of the sponsors and so is Anheuser-Busch. Sponsors this year are going to show their colors as having the great pile of plunkage to plunk out for spreading the word that their stuff is the best to dance to, the heart-warmingest, the Clydesdaliest, and the Networthiest. I meant Internet there, although Go Daddy could be considered downright networthy, since they partnered with Google to sell URLs. (That's Web site names, folks. Keep up with me here.)

I don't have the complete list of advertisers for the Superbowl neither do I possess stock market skills that would have the room buttoning their lips like they used to for EF Hutton, but I can tell you that if you see any company's commercial during the Superbowl, chances are that they are not feeling the recession like so many others.

So here's my game. Lots of people are rooting for their team and making big bets and putting in pennies on office pools and such. My gig as a Superbowl unwatcher is to guess which companies have either the deep pockets or the all-in mentality to pay that $30 mill so they can be in front of all those people who don't run to the kitchen, bathroom or county line during the breaks.

I will now stick my neck out to guess a few companies other than the ones I have mentioned, since I heard about those on the radio this morning.

Firstly, I'm going to think about the things that people do when "times is hard." We already know that they drink beer and cola and play on the Internet, so there might still be some sponsors in those categories, but one thing in particular I was thinking of is (okay, family-friendly newspaper, how do I put this) make babies. Or simulate the initial process of making babies. I'm just saying... on Superbowl Sunday, Valentine's Day is a week away and tons of babies are born in November, which is nine months later - you do the math.

As my first guess for a company willing to spend a million dollars per second to sell its product: Trojan. Everything you need to have the cheapest form of entertainment with needing diapers by Thanksgiving. (That was not addressed to the senior citizens reading this column.)
Now, on the flipside of Valentine's Day is those who are fortunate enough to be a "have" as opposed to a "have not." These folks are the target market for products manufactured by my second and third guess. Again, it's close to the big day for gifting your loved one(s), so for my number two guess, I'm going with a jeweler that's national - like in just about every mall. I feel like I need to narrow it down, so I'll say Jared. I don't even know if they're national, but I know I've seen a bunch of their dumb commercials.

Guess number three is going to be some kind of car company. Ford's had a big year, but they also advertise the socks off of American Idol and probably already pay dearly for that. Let's see now... who has sold a lot of cars but may perhaps be in need of a big boost to their image right about now?

Well, it's a toss-up here. It's either the one with the stopping problem or the one with the going problem. (Again, not a reference to senior citizens.) It's either Toyota or Honda. Hmm. Must pick.

Who's been around the longest? I think Toyota, but I'm not sure. Toyota has more letters in it, so let's go with them. We've seen that creepy Prius commercial with the blooming nature people too many times and surely - hopefully anyway - they haven't got something to top it just now.

Alright, let's go for two more spots and I'm done. That'll be quite enough for you to ridicule me when I'm wrong. I'll list one more cheap thing people do and one more expendable income thing.

Games. People play board games, card games, yard games, video games... It's just a matter of which company has the cash to catch the customers. It could be Milton-Bradley, since they have so many different board games. There's Candy Land, Trouble, Battleship, Monopoly and more. It's the stuff childhood is made of. But do they have the plunkage to plunk?

Okay, let's think card games. There's Hoyle, Mattel, Parker Brothers, Hasbro... Then there are the collectible cards. Upperdeck, Topps, Pokemon... Really, I'm amazed that Pokemon cards are still a thing. It was my hope that all Pokemon cards would magically implode when the goofball tripped the main power switch at our "Party Like It's 1999 Because The World May Veer Off Orbit At Midnight" bash. No such luck.

You know, I was going to give the other categories of games a second thought, but I'm stopping right there, with the knowledge of how invincible the Pokemon legacy has been, spanning from my son's "Backstreet Boys" phase in 1998 to my "How is it possible I need bifocals, blood pressure and cholesterol meds and it's still eleven years before my daughter graduates high school" phase in 2010. Choice four: Pokemon.

Now the expendable income thing. Something people do in the Spring that costs at least a pound of c-notes. Two things come to mind. Theme parks and cruises. The theme park with the most plunkage? You know it's Disney, but they are affiliated with ABC and the Superbowl is on CBS. Who's tops in cruises? I've never been on one. All I can think of is Princess (no, I'm not going to cheat and Google it).

That's it. Those are my guesses. Do play along and email me at the address below if you think you have some other sponsor ideas. You can also just send random ridicules at my haphazard, uneducated guesses. Ah, but what if I'm right?