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Yvonne Dougherty's Blog (7)

Social Security Took Ma's Bedspread Bathrobe -Column 7

Social Security Took Momma’s Bedspread Bathrobe

Column 7

Yvonne Dougherty

 

One of the great things about being an old Southern woman is that you can do whatever you want and nobody cares. Ma told me when I turned 40, “Youvonna, you can do whatever you want and people will forgive you because at 40 you are an official old crone.” She’s right. It gets even better after 50.

 

Momma bought herself 3 new bathrobes made out of chenille that look…

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Added by Yvonne Dougherty on December 12, 2013 at 9:30am — No Comments

The Day Bubba Washed Booger Ray Column 6

The Day Bubba Washed Booger Ray

Column 6

Yvonne Dougherty

 

Sister Nettiebelle has been harassing the local dog pound for quite some time now. Clint Eastwood wants a real live Jed-Clampet-bloodhound-like-Duke to train as a search-and-rescue dog for his work in the local volunteer fire department. The cheapskate that she is, Sister would not turn loose of the money to buy a dog, so she made Clint wait.

 

Either the dog pound got tired of the…

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Added by Yvonne Dougherty on December 11, 2013 at 9:09am — No Comments

The Farting Mule Column 5

The Farting Mule

Column 5

Yvonne Dougherty

 

“Hey, Daddy, it’s Youvonna,” I said.

“How are you doing, Bonna,” he asked.

“I be fine. How’s Saint Elaine?”

“She’s right here. Do you want to talk to her?

After spending a few minutes talking with my favorite step mom about canning salsa, putting up corn, and her sister Connie’s to-die-for coconut cake, she put me back on the phone with Daddy.

 

“Hey, Daddy, is the cornfield…

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Added by Yvonne Dougherty on December 11, 2013 at 9:05am — No Comments

Are You A Mule or A Hiney? Column 4

Are You A Mule or A Hiney?

Column 4

Yvonne Dougherty

 

Daddy now lives outside of Tupelo, Mississippi, with our step-mom Saint Elaine. Sister Nettiebelle called him up the other day for some common horse-sense advice.

 

“Daddy, I need to know something.” she said, “How do I know if my gelded stud is doing his job?”

“What do you mean?” Daddy asked.

“Well, I put him into the pen with four hot mares and he wouldn’t do a thing in…

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Added by Yvonne Dougherty on December 11, 2013 at 9:03am — 4 Comments

Jesus and The Pole Dancer Column 3

Jesus and the Pole Dancer

Column 3

Yvonne Dougherty

 

On the way to visit Aunt and Uncle Bert in Heber Springs, Sister Nettiebelle and I stopped at the concrete statuary place in El Paso. We were looking for a life-size concrete statue of Jesus for Momma, who says she will pay half of the cost of the statue for the R.I.P./Tombstone Cemetery if we will paint it glow-in-the-dark. We only found a chest-high concrete Jesus and he was too heavy to tote home in…

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Added by Yvonne Dougherty on December 11, 2013 at 9:01am — 2 Comments

Aunt and Uncle Bert (Column 2)

Aunt and Uncle Bert

Column 2

Yvonne Dougherty

 

Sister Nettiebelle and I drove to Heber Springs a couple of Saturdays ago to visit our Aunt Bert and Uncle Bert. Aunt Bert is undergoing chemo treatments for the inherited cancer our family gets. She wanted to see her nieces.

 

Uncle Bert was waiting for us in the driveway when we got there. He asked Sister Nettiebelle for a smoke.

“What? What did you say?” Nettiebelle…

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Added by Yvonne Dougherty on December 11, 2013 at 9:01am — No Comments

The $25 Funeral Column 1

The $25 Funeral

Column 1

Yvonne Dougherty

 

Uncle JD died a few weeks ago. Cousin Teresadammitt shelled out $9000 bucks for a funeral. That was the cheapest she could find. Sister Nettiebelle, a true cheapskate, says she could have saved Cousin Teresa a chunk of change because she can do a funeral for only twenty-five bucks.

 

Sister Nettiebelle says she did some research and found a place online where you can buy cardboard…

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Added by Yvonne Dougherty on December 11, 2013 at 8:59am — 5 Comments

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